Sunday, October 29, 2006

Comfort Zone

I live in a tiny bubble. I accept that and I really love the bubble that is my life. I have dealt with enough tragedy, heartbreak, drama and loss within my comfort zone that I don't feel the need to leave it. For one thing, every day that I am able to spend with my niece feels like a blessing. Her entrance into this world was not an easy one. She wasn't born as a healthy, pink, screaming bundle of 8lbs. She jumped into her life far too early. She weighed 2lbs and her first breath was a struggle. She was put on machines to mimic the womb, the place where she was supposed to stay long enough to grow healthy and strong. I watched machines keep her alive. I sat patiently by her enclosed crib and watched as her tiny chest filled with air. I could see her heart beat through skin as thin as a butterfly's wing. I made a promise to her that I would always be there. If that means staying in this bubble, so be it.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Dr. "D"

My face is warm to the touch and my nose is running. I have a thick cloud that is surrounding my head, making it heavy and tired. I sneeze often and rub my burning eyes. You only appreciate health when it's not around, when it's a distant memory.

Today I visited the house of my pediatrician. He lived and worked around the corner from where I grew up. Middle of the night visits are what I remember most. Sitting in a vinyl chair with my nightgown over pink sweatpants. My mother sitting beside me, rubbing my back. Ear infections were a staple of my childhood and Dr."D" was always there to cure my ache and give stickers to make me smile. Dr."D" passed away last year and now his wife is gone as well. There was an estate sale at his house today. Part of me wishes I had never stepped foot in his house. I don't want to remember his life this way--chaos and sadness. Maybe his death was the death of her as well, just not physically. After he was gone, she let her home and life fall down around her. Maybe she sought solace in bringing new things into her house, to fill the void his death had created. It was overwhelming and heartbreaking.

I stood in the small patients room where I had been many times in my childhood. The irony that I was sick today, the day I revisited his life, was not lost on me. I can only hope that I am able to find as wonderful a pediatrician as he was for my children. Dr."D" was one in a million and that is how I will remember him, always.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

holiday rush

Yesterday I went to The Christmas Tree Shop. I can't believe that I am new to this enormously popular chain of stores. I think I always assumed that it only sold Christmas themed items, and who wants to shop for Christmas in July? And for reasons beyond my control, I never seemed to make it there during the holiday for which it was named.

All I can say is that this store is now my favorite place! Not only can you get random little decorations, but you can find baskets and boxes and wrapping paper. Cards and gifts and toys. Everything imaginable and all for low, low, LOW prices! What more could you ask for?

Ok, enough of the commercial here. What this trip to the store did for me yesterday was put me in the most festive of moods! I can't wait for Thanksgiving and Christmas! I am enormously excited about being with the ones I love and fully enjoying the holidays!

xoxo
jocelyn

holiday rush

Yesterday I went to The Christmas Tree Shop. I can't believe that I am new to this enormously popular chain of stores. I think I always assumed that it only sold Christmas themed items, and who wants to shop for Christmas in July? And for reasons beyond my control, I never seemed to make it there during the holiday for which it was named.

All I can say is that this store is now my favorite place! Not only can you get random little decorations, but you can find baskets and boxes and wrapping paper. Cards and gifts and toys. Everything imaginable and all for low, low, LOW prices! What more could you ask for?

Ok, enough of the commercial here. What this trip to the store did for me yesterday was put me in the most festive of moods! I can't wait for Thanksgiving and Christmas! I am enormously excited about being with the ones I love and fully enjoying the holidays!

xoxo
jocelyn

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

one chance

we are given one chance. one opportunity to live, love, laugh, cry, speak, listen, dream and succeed.

do what you can. do it all. have no regrets and live in the moment.

be at peace with who you are and what you want in life.

it is all about happiness and love. surround yourself with that and you will have succeeded.

xoxo
jocelyn

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

alarm clock

Today the alarm went off at 7am. Windows open, cold air rushing in and a spotlessly clean apartment. It took me a moment to realize that this was the day M. leaves for China. We hopped out of bed, still delirious from sleep and started going through the motions of getting ready for any other day. The only change in routine was the luggage in the front hall.

He drove to the airport and as we pulled up to the drop-off, I felt fine. There were no tears and I knew I was ready to face this two-month period with grace and maturity.

Then I cried and listened to sad music the whole way home. Oh well, I’m a girl. What else can I say?

Alarm Clock

Today the alarm went off at 7am. Windows open, cold air rushing in and a spotlessly clean apartment. It took me a moment to realize that this was the day M. leaves for China. We hopped out of bed, still delirious from sleep and started going through the motions of getting ready for any other day. The only change in routine was the luggage in the front hall.

He drove to the airport and as we pulled up to the drop-off, I felt fine. There were no tears and I knew I was ready to face this two-month period with grace and maturity.

Then I cried and listened to sad music the whole way home. Oh well, I’m a girl. What else can I say?

Alarm Clock

Today the alarm went off at 7am. Windows open, cold air rushing in and a spotlessly clean apartment. It took me a moment to realize that this was the day M. leaves for China. We hopped out of bed, still delirious from sleep and started going through the motions of getting ready for any other day. The only change in routine was the luggage in the front hall.

He drove to the airport and as we pulled up to the drop-off, I felt fine. There were no tears and I knew I was ready to face this two-month period with grace and maturity.

Then I cried and listened to sad music the whole way home. Oh well, I’m a girl. What else can I say?

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Love

Last night Mike came to my house around 3:30. He wanted to spend time with me before he leaves for China. Sweet, sincere and loving. We went with the whole group (Kelley’s, Hall’s and Fran) to Sunnyside Bowling Alley. I bowled a seventy-eight. Mike and Eddie were fiercely competitive. Eddie won one game and Mike won the other. If they had played one more round, my money would have been on Mike. Piper got Dora stickers from a machine. Everyone was happy. Watching Piper bowl is one of the most adorable sights to see and in my humble opinion, the girl is a natural.

We then ventured over to BJ’s for some snacks for dinner. Cold cuts, cookies, candy, cheesecake, chips. Do all comfort foods begin with the letter “C”? Mike and I came up with the ingenious idea to make a 7-layer Mexican dip. Neither of us knew how, so we headed over to Stop & Shop to see if this was plausible (or if they had a pre-made dip). They didn’t. I became a fugitive and ripped open a package of Fat Free Cream Cheese because of the promise of a recipe inside. I had no intention of purchasing the fat free version and Mike was impressed with my moxie. I think he was surprised by my “bad” side, which rarely surfaces.

By the time we got back to my house, it was 7:30. We were starving and the dip just seemed to be too difficult. Our stomachs were growling and there was no way we were stopping to read directions.

The night rolled on in a blur of food, music, football watching (by the boys) and laughter. Piper discovered my American Girl doll collection. The spark was ignited. She has years and years and years of doll playing to look forward to. I’m almost envious. Unwrapping Samantha Parkington on Christmas morning made my 9-year-old self happier than words could express! Nothing could top that feeling.

But nights like this come very close. These are the nights I live for and love. I’m at peace with my surroundings and those who inhabit my world. Isn’t this what life is supposed to be? Why fight it or question it or look for problems? Be happy in the moment and hold on to those you love. Playing Scrabble with Mike until dawn was icing on the cake. JIBE, BE & WED, who knew those words could make me laugh until my sides hurt. And the fact that he loves me even though I’m horrible at keeping score makes everything perfect.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Forget the world...

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?


Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

On the Edge


The Crocodile Hunter died on Monday, September 4th. For some reason, be it the images of his adorable family or his constant smile and zest for life, this has touched my soul and my heart breaks for his family.

He lived a life on the edge,
chasing the wild,
facing the fears
with the heart of a child.

Always a smile,
a laugh and a wink,
we held our breath
we couldn't even blink.

An adventure, a journey
a dare every day.
Steve Irwin we'll miss you
in our thoughts you will stay.



My thoughts and prayers go to his family.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Cohabitation Nation




Over one year ago my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. Most women would have been filling their cars with all of their belongings and speedily heading down the road toward cohabitation, the first hurdle on their way to wedded bliss. Was I ready to give up my sweet smelling, magnificently decorated, cozy home for raised toilet seats, beer cans and boxer shorts scattered across the bedroom floor?

I didn’t turn down my boyfriends offer immediately. Technically, I agreed to move in and then found myself reluctant to actually make the move, essentially I was stalling. What I realized during this period (and after hours of research to help justify my nerves) is that many couples are jumping into cohabitation faster than generations past. Today cohabitation is the “norm”. Couples are much more eager to test drive their relationship before stepping into marriage. Many relationship coaches agree that living together before marriage is beneficial and a great way to see if you are compatible on a daily basis.

However, I said no. Why did I reject “playing house” with the love of my life? And why are more women reverting to the “old fashioned” belief of keeping the mystery alive.

According to the U.S. Census, nearly 5 million unmarried couples live together. There has been a 72% increase in cohabitation over the past decade. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that more than half of women in the United States have lived with a significant other by the age of 30. Convenience, saving money, and to test the waters for marriage are key factors in a couples’ decision to shack up. But is this really the smartest route to happily ever after?

The American Sociological Review found an 85% failure rate among those who live together before marriage. Recent studies from both the US and Europe show that couples who live together before marriage divorce at higher rates than couples who wait until they say their vows. The risk of divorce after living together is 80% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together. (American Sociological Review)

Are couples who live together before marriage doomed? What is the role of cohabitation in the declining rates of marriage?

Linda Marshall, a Cincinnati-based relationship coach, says that, while more couples’ are cohabitating, that trend isn't necessarily proving to be beneficial. Most cohabitating couples are not living together after four years. "The marriage rate is declining," she says, "but more people are cohabitating, and the failure rate for cohabitation is higher than marriage."

A recent study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who get engaged before living together are happier before and after marriage than couples who cohabitate before setting a date. However, according to the 1997 Durex Global Sex Survey, people who live together but aren't married report the greatest frequency of sex. (I have a feeling this would be the one statistic to stand out in the minds of most readers.)

So maybe I should wait until I'm married?

(Image courtesy of DailyCandy.com)

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

For Mom...

I remember nights spent in your bed. The magic bed. The cool, green sheets. Megan and I would wiggle into the middle of it. She would spread out and go to her side, I would move closer to you. I always chose you. In first grade I had to take the bus, I was noticeably changed by the separation from you. Megan was supposed to sit with me, protect me, watch over me. She wasn’t ready for that role. I wasn’t ready to leave. That was when coming home became my definition of happiness, safety, love. I stared out the dirty window and pulled the emergency exit by mistake. Maybe it wasn’t a mistake.

When I played hide and seek, I didn’t want to be found. I stayed buried deep in your closet, smelling your clothes. I could hear your gold bracelets shifting on your wrists. You have the most beautiful arms I have ever seen and I like to think I have inherited them. Strong and feminine, soft and embracing. You drove me to soccer practice, acting classes and swim meets. Gymnastics, piano, tennis. I always came back to the swimming and you always drove. When I stood solid on the starting block, the sun beating down on me, you cheered the loudest. I can hear you even now. You have never stopped cheering.

I have made you cry. We have fought out of love, out of similarities, out of fear. I am more like you than I ever expected to be, but I always secretly wished. My wishes came true. I am a rough version of you. I still have years to go, but the outline is there and it’s solid.

I am so sorry for always taking out my insecurities and fears on you. You have always been my voice of reason. Mom, I love you so much. I love what you have allowed me to become. I love the woman I am because of you. I love that you have always filled my life with laughter, happiness, security and strength. You have kept me in the moment, made me realize I have happiness in my soul. You have been my compass and pointed out the stars. You encouraged me to touch them, feel them, reach for them all. You have told me that nothing matters more than this moment. You allowed me to let go and believe in the strength of my safety net. Thank you so much for the lessons you have taught me. I carry them with me, in my heart, every day. I love you so much.

Love Jocelyn

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

End of Summer


Today feels like summer when I was a child. Rainy days spent inside, reading and playing. Making the best of a day without sunshine and dry heat. Often these days would come after a long string of hot, summer days, forcing our tired, sun-tanned bodies to rest and regroup.

I feel like I need a day to regroup and gather my thoughts, clear my head and start over. I want to curl up on the couch in my pajamas, tuck my feet underneath my legs and settle in with an absorbing and uplifting book. The literary equivalent of apple pie. I don't want to tackle sadness or hardships, there is too much of that in every day life. You need only turn on the news to find heartbreak. I want only peaceful and happy thoughts, just like my sweet timeless memories of childhood summers.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Does he worry?

This is what worries me. I read and hear about people’s lives and the relationships they lead. One recent blog chronicling the life of a 20-something girl had an entry about her new relationship.

“He keeps talking about how long it’s been. ‘Baby, I’m starting to worry about you. We’ve been dating for three months, and you’ve been depressed for two of them.’ He thinks it has something to do with him. Like I’m not happy, or the thrill has worn off. It’s neither. It’s everything else in my life, and I need more than one thing to make me happy.”

I find myself always asking if he is okay. If he is happy. If his life is going the way he had planned. I am supportive, I am comforting, I am loving. But then one day I start to notice that he never asks me these things. Does that mean he doesn’t care about my happiness? I have a tendency to internalize everything. I take on everyone’s problems, I worry about everyone I love and I always want to make everyone happy. But I need to feel that back. This isn't about wanting to be the center of attention. That's a joke, a bad one. It's about needing to get love and respect from those who have my heart. My family worries about me even when there is no reason and something about that is comforting. It's about someone having your back. They think about me and want to make sure I'm happy. Does he? This is a big deal. A big question. Something that worries me. Does he worry about me?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Big Brother

Confession: I love Big Brother.

And not just this particular season, which is spectacular, I might add, but every season since its inception seven years ago. I know, I know. I’m a reality tv junkie and I’m really not ashamed of this fact. However, now I am pulling innocent people into my obsession, namely my mom. For the longest time, my mom was totally against reality television. She could not see what I found enjoyable about watching people act stupid and make fools of themselves on national tv. She rolled her eyes at The Real World, laughed at America’s Next Top Model and sighed deeply when she saw the women of The Bachelor making desperate actions to win the affection of a man. All completely justified reactions to reality tv and the morally challenged contestants that make up many of the shows. But somewhere in the middle all of her criticism, she found a little show called Big Brother. And now she is hooked! Do I feel guilty about turning a smart, educated, reasonable woman into a reality tv junkie? A little. Am I thrilled to have someone watch this trash with me? ABSOLUTELY!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Heat

This sweltering heat is really starting to get to me. I think it's effecting my brain cells. Can brain cells boil? If they can...then they are! The air is so thick it feels like I'm surrounded by hot soup.

Thankfully, I have an air-conditioner in my bedroom so I am able to sleep in the cool and comforting, artificially chilled air. Unfortunately, every fifteen minutes my air conditioner does some sort of switching gears that startles me and wakes me momentarily. I'm not sure if it is seriously effecting my sleep (REM?), but it just might be. This couldt explain my recent grouchiness...or maybe it's just the HEAT!

On a sidenote, my brother-in-law may be going to London for 4-6 months for work. His company would be paying for his family (my sister and niece) to go along with him and live in London for the duration of his work. This would be an incredible experience for all of them. London is the most wonderful city in the world, full of history and beauty that is incomparable. I would love for them to have this experience, but at the same time, a small part of me doesn't want them to go. I can't imagine not seeing my sister or my niece for 6 MONTHS! I guess I will just have to go along as the "nanny". :-)

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Home

I remove my socks and rub my feet along the floor. The blue carpet is smooth under my tiny feet. It is soft and thick because it is brand new. The men who installed it left hours ago. The walls are newly painted, so white they are almost blue. The walls and the new lighting create a brightness that is almost too much for my eyes.

There has been a closet built beneath the stairs to house my forgotten toys and games, but at this moment it is my sanctuary. I sit in the closet, my feet tucked beneath my body. There is no fear of spiders or mice as one would normally fear in a basement. This basement is too new. My mother is upstairs cooking spaghetti. I can smell the onions and the garlic. They ignite my senses and make me crave the dinner that is just moments from being ready. I can hear the news blasting from our tiny kitchen television set. It is never good news, but still my dad watches, faithfully.

I have brought a book into my secret hideaway, but with the door closed it is too dark to read. The Secret Garden will have to wait. I have found my own secret world. I can hear my parents begin to argue, about what I don’t know. It could be anything; the dinner, the bills, the house, or maybe work. It’s never the children. We don’t cause the fights, but we endure them all. Their voices grow louder, harsher and more uneven. It is easier to block it out in my tiny hiding place. I don’t have to watch his face grow red with anger. I don’t see him shake his fists or slam his hands down on the table. I can’t see her pleading with him to stop this behavior. I am safe under the stairs, it’s like I’m not even there.

I hear my sister’s voice now. She yells with a passion that can only come from someone who is still new to this, who sees anger as an emotion that hasn’t fully been explored. Her voice is high-pitched and breaking. She fights the way she has watched actresses fight in movies, dramatic and overblown. He ignores her and my mother rushes to calm her down. She knows that this isn’t right, that children shouldn’t be a part of this destruction. He is blind to what he has caused and aware only of how things effect his life.

My spot under the stairs is warm and dry. Light seeps in through the slats on the door and comforts me. It isn’t dark enough to make me afraid, it is just light enough to protect me. I am in a spot where no one can find me. I am alone but can still hear the voices of my family. They are fighting and I can be distant from it all. I can wait until the fighting subsides and I can return to daily life, to dinner and conversations about school. But for now I am happy in the nook I have created for myself. I have to remember to bring blankets and pillows down from my bed later in the night. I will create a tiny hidden room all for myself.

The ticking of the water heater and the rumble of the washing machine startle me. The dryer buzzes and I suddenly can’t hear my parents fighting or my sister’s high-pitched voice. I feel more alone and slightly frightened. I gather up my discarded socks and my book. It is time to leave.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Imperative

Stop staring. They are lost in a private moment, a moment they have chosen to bring out in the public. Listen quietly. Absorb what they are saying. Learn from it, try to prevent yourself from being in that same state. Don’t let your relationship get to the point where you have to yell your thoughts, feelings. Don’t feel that the only way for him to see your heart is to throw it in his face, it will hurt him and you will be left broken. If it ever gets to that point, just walk away. Smooth out your skirt, put your purse casually over your shoulder and walk away. He can’t follow you if you walk determinedly enough.

They continue to fight. She wants more respect, to be listened to and really heard. He isn’t even listening now, he’s just plotting the harsh words that will fall from his lips the minute she takes a breath. They are all wrong for each other, even you, a stranger, can see that. But no one can tell her what she needs to figure out for herself. Her hair is wild and flying in all directions, gorgeous curls tremble on top of her head as she raises her hands to her forehead. She is trying to cover her eyes, to hide from him, from the world. His hair is neatly combed and still wet from his shower. They don’t fit. She is emotional and proud of what defines her, he is frightened by it. He wants her to be like the Lilly Pulitzer blondes that sit at the next table, ordering pink and green drinks to match their sweaters. This girl, this wild, untameable girl will never be one of them. If he loved her for what makes her different, then they could work through anything, but he doesn’t.

She fingers the maroon napkin, twisting it between two jeweled fingers, obviously a woman who is denied nothing. She is debating whether or not to use the napkin to wipe away her tears. She decides instead to use the palm of her hands. It’s messier, but at least it feels more real, more comforting, to touch herself with her own flesh. He hasn’t touched her in ages, not like he means it. He touches her in passing, when he’s horny or wants a quick feel, but nothing lasting, nothing beautiful and heart-skipping. Just cold and emotionless, like the relationship.

Walk away. Just stand up, storm out, run away. Do anything but don’t stay. Don’t stay in something that isn’t right. This will tear you apart, it will change you. Without realizing what you are doing, you will try and change yourself for him. Don’t do it. You are wonderful alone. You are wild and carefree and happy. Yes, you will be lonely, but isn’t it better to be lonely moving in the right direction, then lonely going nowhere? Yes, he loved you once, but it wasn’t real love. It wasn’t lasting love. It was ordinary and predictable. It could have been anyone he met that night. It was a learning experience, you learned what doesn’t work for you. Now go home. Go back to what makes you happy, what makes you confident, what makes you YOU. He will find someone new, like the Lilly girl on the seat behind him. You will find someone new, too. Someone who wants to know what you are thinking. Someone who will find joy in the little things, just like you do. If you give yourself a chance to find the right person, he will show up, eventually.

Throw the drink in his face, throw the chair out of your way, slam the door. Fill yourself up with life, act irrationally but at least do it with energy, with enthusiasm. This is the first day of the rest of your life. Lose your breath while you’re living it. Take it for what it is, an adventure. Never settle.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Relationships

Does anyone really know what makes a relationship work? You hear everything from opposites attract to find your soulmate in order to make your life complete. Immediately people think they are lacking something in their own life that they need to find the missing puzzle piece. Doesn't this make people feel that they have spent their life up until the point when they meet their "soulmate" wandering aimlessly as an incomplete person.

The only way that you can find someone with whom to spend the rest of your life with, is to become complete on your own. Discover your passions, your dislikes, what makes you happy on a rainy, muggy day. You need to know yourself completely before you can bring someone else into your sphere and merge your lives.

True love is similiar to the feeling you get when you come home after a long journey. You climb into bed, the sheets are cool, the air is perfect and you feel the comfort and safety of being somewhere you know you belong. Love is finding your home and comfort in another persons arms. No matter where you are, if you are with them, you are home.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Too Many Blogs

I am definitely going to win an award for Blogger with the shortest attention span. I apparently like to start blogs and then sort of walk away from them, just leaving them hanging there all lonesome and neglected. I have four blogs to my name. Yup, that's right FOUR! There is Product Princess (all about skin care products). Glossy Mag about the wonderful world of magazines. BookFinds about books and what I am currently reading. And finally, Random Thoughts, which will be filled with RANDOM THOUGHTS!

All I have to say about today is that it was H-O-T! Humid, hot and sticky. Or is hazy, hot and humid? Either way, that's what the day was like. Normally I am not productive on days like this, but today was an exception. I was SUPER PRODUCTIVE. I got so much work done and I didn't even stop after "working hours". I continued after dinner and way into the nightly television line up, although who am I kidding, there is NOTHING on tv on Monday nights in the summer. The only shows I really look forward to are on more in the middle of the week. Big Brother All-Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, Kathy Griffin, The Real World and The Hills. Do you think I like reality TV? I'm addicted!...and I don't care who knows it!

xoxo
Jocelyn