Tuesday, May 05, 2009

The Weight of Your Heart

I am starting to feel the weight of all that is going on in my life with regards to my aunt's illness. I feel that my emotions are unpredictable and my heart is heavy. I want to buy her presents or bring her ice cream and candy to make the pain go away, but I know that nothing has that kind of power, there isn't a present big enough. Her body is betraying her and yet she has been bravely and stoically fighting a disease that came out of nowhere.

The frustrating thing about worries and fears is that they are pervasive. They seep into your thoughts at unpredictable times and render you useless. They are literally earth-shattering. I keep reading these "self help" books, hoping to gain insight on matters I have no physical control over. They tout having a positive attitude to overcome all hardships, and while I agree with this theory in every day life, it is difficult to possess when facing serious battles. How do you stay positive in the face of sickness and disease? When the lives of those you love are being tested on a constant and daily basis it is hard to stay positive without feeling an overwhelming sense of naivete. It is hard not to have anger residing in your heart.

I am also finding it difficult to do anything but focus on the present; the past held too much hope and the future is far to uncertain. These feeling of sadness, stress, fear and worry hold me hostage, but at this stage it is all I can do. I have to hold on tight to the ones I love because this ride is unpredictable, goes far too fast and often throws me in directions I had never expected.

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